It's been a while since i have written and honestly nothing much has changed in my life. I still feel the same way about my self that I have since I was 14 and I am still that insecure. Although I have realized that most of my issues can all be attributed to at least 1 of 3 things. Those are my weight, my religion/background and my hair. I know it sounds dumb and I am sure it is but on a daily basis I think about how fat I am, how having a dating life would be hard because no one wants to date a girl named something ethnic-it's always bridgett and sarah and katie. Also, I could never meet someone in the bar and take them home to meet the rentals, and what if the person I fall in love with doesn't want to convert? I love my religion and I don't know if I would be able to handle it. And finally my hair. My hair is thick and coarse and crazy and it pisses me off. All I ever want it to do is look soft and flowy for once, but it never will because my hair is NOT soft and flowey and it will NEVER sit in a way that hides my chubby cheeks or makes my eyes look bigger and my mouth bigger. I wake up in the morning and don't want to be me anymore. Being me is boring and filled with self loathing, which honestly is not cool. People say I care to much what others think, but that's not it at all. I know my mom thinks I am beautiful, but she is my mom, it's her job. Its getting especially hard now that my friends are back on the dating scene and I just don't want to be anymore. I am sick and tired of waiting and looking. I don't want to go out anymore because there is no one new here and like I am not a brittany or a jenny.
I know that this is all really stupid, but I can't help but think this way. I try to look and the mirror and find something I love, I also love the little things that make me different, but sometimes I want to be the same as everyone else. Small, perky, cute, anglo-whatever. Other people don't want to graduate and I cannot wait. I am tired of the same old, and I managed to re-invent a more outgoing self here, but I kind of miss the quiet me. The one who stayed in all the time. Maybe once I graduate I can become a happy medium, not scary but not hidden in the shadows either.
This semester has been rough for me this far and I really don't want it to be, I also don't want other people to see how rough its been. So that is why I write these long, rambling posts because it helps me clear my mind.
On a brighter note:
I decided to make someone's valentine's day so I sent someone I don't really know a valentine. Hopefully they don't think I am a super creeper or anything :\
Just thought you could use a little sunshine in your day.
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